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VITA BREVIS
I feel disoriented.
For the first time in five months, I can now break the monotony of my law school-work-church-library-occasional date/outing with friends-debating-tennis/table tennis/badminton/jogging routine with a clear conscience. I know it's just for a few days, given that I've several work-related things lined up in my calendar during the semestral break, but still, it's something. Thank God for small favors.
The enormity of choices of things I've been wanting to do but rarely had the luxury of time to do is just beginning to sink in. :)
In no particular order: Bake bread. Get rid of the pinkness in my room. (Can't stand how my folks fall for the pink-is-for-girls-stereotype. Haha.) Read Arundhati Roy's "The God of Small Things". See the stack of DVDs at home of movies I've missed the past year or so. :) Take the dogs to the nearby park. Get myself a Labrador puppy. Start my violin lessons (should've started this semester but deferred it again, because of work...). Go to the symphony for some Rachmaninoff, Bach, and Schubert. Rejoin the choir at the parish. (Been such an inactive choir member these past few months, it's embarassing.) Go see if the malls have changed since the last time I saw them. (READ: 6 months ago.) Play tennis daily and work on my darn volleys. See the latest art exhibit. Go back to my home province for the long weekend and just enjoy the sea, the sand, and fresh unpolluted air...
None of these involve dates. And the fact that I don't want any at this point doesn't bother me at all, even if my friends think it should.
The other day a friend of mine rang me up asking if I'm seeing anyone in particular, apparently because I'd been 'blooming' the past few weeks and had been the subject of some conversation in the workplace. Flattering, I admit, but I really didn't see what she or the others saw. I immediately disabused her of the notion, pointing out that the past few months, I haven't really had time for anything as 'involved' as a relationship. Of course she didn't believe me, saying I appeared too happy and glowing a lot of the time.
Why is it that when a woman looks happy, people attribute it to the presence of some man in her life? Isn't it entirely possible that such happiness comes from other things she derives satisfaction from...her work, her family, her friends, her pursuits? I've always thought that the greatest thing about being single --- apart from the clear selfishness of it all, hehe --- is the amount of personal freedom you have for what I like to call 'life discoveries'. NOT to say that being in a relationship ties you down or anything...but of course, the clear selflessness of loving someone in that degree is a different kind of freedom, a unique kind of personal peace. While I applaud people who have found that freedom and peace in their happiness with their significant 'others', I don't quite see yet what's so wrong with being single and enjoying it. It's NOT about playing the field (I DON'T do that...) or about flirting with every eligible chap within five yards (which is something I WOULD never have the courage to do). From my perspective it's all about finding yourself: Getting past all that much-hyped adolescent angst to know who you are, your limits and your horizons, your time and place in the sun. Twenty three years isn't all that much experience worth abandoning this form of discovery.
Been catching up on the movies, books, and CD's I'd missed out on this year (and previous years) and everywhere I find the same theme, the same longings of people to find their better halves in life. I'm probably just as much a romantic as the next woman, but I'm more of a leave-it-up-to-fate type. If it happens, great. If it doesn't, then maybe I'm meant to do something else in life. Of course sometimes I get this odd sense of incompleteness...that need to have someone who would understand even if I never tried to explain. I have an inkling that if I paid more attention to this 'sense' I would probably be out actively looking for that someone wherein lies completion. :) But I don't. I don't believe in forcing this 'sense' in my relationships with other people. I do believe in the convergence of timing, stability, chaos, and sheer joy that finding that 'someone' should give. And though it's not going to be at all cinematic, I believe in it being something worth abandoning 'personal' for 'mutual' discovery.
Anyway, that's too much thought given to this topic already. :) Time to get back to work, or anything else on my list. Musing this much on this topic is an early symptom of work withdrawal. :)