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VITA BREVIS
I am now about to become a godmother three times over. The first time I held a candle for the son (Danny) of two lifelong friends, the second for the son (Carlo) of a cousin. This third time, a friend of mine in college just rang me up and asked me to be the godmother to her newly born infant girl.
The thing that disturbs me is that I'm so WRONG for the job.
Call it the unspoken fears of a single woman, but whenever I see people I know with children of their own, I'm stupefied. I can't fathom how they can trust themselves to guide someone else's life. I have trouble enough navigating the waters of my own, and I've committed more than my share of "things-that-should-be-remembered-as-either-stupid-or-REALLY-stupid". As it is, I'm just supposed to be a second 'presence' (read: NOT phantom) in my godchildren's lives. And I'm terrible at it. My first godson (Danny) doesn't even know who I am, even if I've worked closely with his parents for most of my debating career, and it's not his fault. I'M THE ONE WHO MISSED THE BIRTHDAYS. AND THE CHRISTMASES. And all the things I don't know I missed simply because I don't know they happened. I could call up an excuse, along the lines of the work-was-too-hectic-I'm-so-sorry variety, but I won't. I genuinely care about the kid, but I know his parents are just too kind to let me know I'm being selfish.
That's it. Too much self-ishness. As another friend aptly put it the other day, "everything I do is concentrated on myself". I won't attempt to deny it. 23 out of my 24 hours of the day are spent on my own pursuits, needs, and interests. (Heck, even most of the sentences in this entry begin with "I"...) Which is why it's perfectly logical that I should doubt my capacity to be a good godmother. Let's not even think of the implications of removing the 'god' in the title. GOD would forbid it. :)
I was brought up to believe that godparents were supposed to be significant to my spiritual and moral life, and not just as alternative sources of Christmas and birthday presents. :) But this belief was never really validated. I never knew my godparents. When Christmases came and went without having heard from them, I simply thought they didn't exist. When tragedy struck my family and I needed to reach out to someone for guidance, they never came. My parents said they didn't know where they were, they didn't keep in touch. It's hard to reconcile theory when the contradiction in reality is so glaringly... THERE.
So now that I'm godmother to Danny and Carlo, the better part of me says I won't be a mere fiction in their lives, and resolves to be the best godmother I can be. (Hard work, considering remuneration in law school comes years after the degree. Haha...) My more pragmatic self tells me this resolution will follow the way of all those New Years and summer cleanings: nowhere. Maybe the most I can do for them will come later when I'm in a position to do something. Or at the latest, when I'm dead and I can leave them a legacy in my will to assuage my own guilt for being so distant for most of their lives. Either way, I'm not comfortable with the fact that I'm pushing my responsibility away now, procrastinating when I signed on to this lifelong contract years ago. Danny is now 4...or 5? (Shame on me, really.)
So maybe I should turn down this third invitation. The last thing I want is to have another little girl end up asking her folks where her godmother is, and finding that Cinderella's fairy godmother is actually more real than I am...
Fide.
Angel Fidelis