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LUCIEN LETTERS
Dear Lucien,
What is it about the human race that makes it seek competition so? Oh I know you're going to refer to Darwin and the theory of evolution, or even economic theory of efficiency...winnowing out the undesired, inefficient human 'traits' given competition for scarce resources and what-not. Competition can give one a heightening sense of self --- it gives you an adrenaline rush unlike any other environmental stimulus.
But the oddest thing is, even when I do win any competition, i feel more 'little' than ever...
I've won a number of things in my life, things I would rather look back upon as pleasant memories but would rather not spend too much time visiting with. Memories of winning international debate tournaments, tennis matches, essay competitions, elections, honors, etc. have been relegated to dusty drawers for trophies and medals, albums and scrapbooks for countless pictures and certificates. What's common among all these is not the victory per se, but how I felt at the moment of victory. There's the initial rush of joy, relief that it's over and responsibility has been acquitted...but the final tang in my mouth is one of emptiness. The feeling that I'm so little in the divine scheme...and all these 'honors' are in reality just exactly what they are...pieces of metal, glass, and wood shaped into trophies or medals.
My brother has a term for this phenomenon: 'the dot perspective'. According to him, in reality, we're all just dots in the universe, worrying about other little dots, not really seeing the bigger picture in life. Which is why we shouldn't get attached to these temporary joys or sorrows...they're just dots in the greater realm. My own similar philosophy is the "when-you're-eighty" qualification. Sometimes, when I get stuck trying to decide on something, or frustrated with something, I just ask myself a question..."will it matter when I'm eighty?" And often, it drives home the point that it doesn't. Really.
If I look back on my attenuated debating 'career' (personally, I prefer 'affair'...), the times I felt I became more than just a dot were times I lost painfully...and learned. I've had some particularly humiliating memories, but they burn more for the fact that I found out the things I did wrong and what I could do to improve them. Losing was more motivating than any win I'd had in my life. Winning was a bonus from learning from my mistakes.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is, maybe I'm not a hard-core competitor. My memories are seldom about the glories of the finish line.
Most of the time, the memories most vivid are those of the path that was taken, the persons followed, and the struggle to get there...
Fide.
Angel Fidelis