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VITA BREVIS
Every self-respecting twentysomething will, at some point, question what she does, and whether or not what she does matters in the grand scheme of things. I get these nagging questions a couple of times a month, and tonight was one of them.
Dad, wonderful man that he is, was haplessly not up to it...
Setting: Dinner with Dad at a posh Italian restaurant hosted by his college buddies (read: surrogate uncles and aunts). Cool temps, brilliant quartet playing the theme from Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr's 'An Affair to Remember'. My favorite Anne Klein deep red sheathe dress with the black ribbon-tie-me-up three-inch-sandals from Mango was enough to get me a serenade from the house violinist...
[Over Italian brewed coffee and tiramisu...]
Angel: So Dad, ever have any regrets? Things you always wanted to do when you were young but never got around to doing?
Dad: No, no regrets.
Angel: Seriously? Come on, there must've been something else you wanted to do apart from law school. [Note: yes, it's a family of lawyers...]
Dad: Well, I wanted to be a priest.
Angel: No fair. I meant, something you couldn't do then but you have the opportunity to do NOW.
Dad: What's this about, really?
Angel: [Toying with the leftover tiramisu on my plate.] I'm just wondering if I'm really supposed to do law. Why couldn't I have just taken a humanities course and become a writer or literary critic?
[At this point, surrogate uncles and aunts caught wind of the conversation and started telling me I shouldn't doubt myself, how I'm really suited to this profession, la-di-dah.]
Dad: Because more was given to you. You have to give the best you can as your offering to God.
Angel: How do I know I'm giving my best?
Dad: The results speak for themselves.
Angel: THAT'S the measure of dedication??? Results??? What about the effort? Shouldn't that be what matters to God? Good grief. I don't think the Lord accepts people into Heaven on the basis of how well they did on the bar exam!
[At this point, Dad replies in classic Fifties Dad-fashion.]
Dad: You don't understand because you're not old enough. The only measure I can rely on that you're giving it your best is not just your word or someone else's. How would you or anyone else know? Results are the only tangible measures that matter.
Angel: So answer my question. Why can't I be a literary critic? Or a historian? Or a contemporary art connoisseur?
Dad: Their direct contribution to mankind is much smaller than what you could give by helping people and serving the country as a lawyer.
Angel: Now I get it. This is about bias against careers in the humanities...[grinning]
Dad: Someday you'll realize you don't have to look for things to regret.
We finished the coffee, went for a walk around the piazza, arm in arm. I felt all my doubts about all these 'life decisions' dim and fade eventually. I KNOW I get these things once in a while when I think I could be leading another life...traveler, soprano, tennis player, writer, what-have-you. But I also know I spent much more time than this to arrive at my decision to take the 'hard' route in law school. Of course there are things I'm passing up. We all do. But as long as we know what we're passing it up for is worth it, I'm sure we won't have to look for things to regret.
It's really too much to expect Dad to remember what it's like to doubt yourself, to doubt what you're doing and why you're doing it, and to know that all you need to chase the demons of a twentysomething away is to step aside, listen, and just let her do it alone.
Then again, it would've been a different night if I asked him about the demons of a twentysomething trying to find out if she's found 'the one'. *smiling* This demon, I'd rather forego chasing....
Fide.
Posted by Angel Fidelis at October 14, 2002 11:59 PM